The World According to Fox News

by matttbastard

Reporter’s Notebook: Afghanistan Is Growing (A Summary, In Lolspeak)

Oh hai, Kabul iz boominz (pay no attenshun to teh south, plz)! Roads iz bein’ fixed, almost no potholes – new trade route FTW! Ur real estate markets iz jus like Manhattanz, only moar suicide bombs – OMG new cars!!!1

WTH teh French r rilly, rilly r00d, even teh onez in uniformz! >:-( They not brave an strong an honorablez like Amurrikunz. DO NOT WANT!

USA! USA!

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John Gibson: Veritable Font of (Bloodthirsty) Compassion

by matttbastard

Via Chet Scoville: Media Matters quotes John “I can has ded peeple?” Gibson:

On the August 10 broadcast of his Fox News Radio show, John Gibson and the program’s executive producer, known on air as “Angry Rich,” mocked Comedy Central host Jon Stewart for emotional remarks he made shortly after the September 11, 2001, terrorist attacks. While airing a clip of Stewart’s remarks from the September 20, 2001, edition of The Daily Show, Gibson mimicked Stewart and sarcastically interjected, “Oh, God, Jon. Just tell me it’s not true,” and, “Oh! That’s great. I’m — God, I’m touched.” Before playing the clip, Angry Rich asked, “Do you remember what the media was like shortly after 9-11?” Gibson answered, “Oh, Jon Stewart sobbing.” After the clip concluded, Angry Rich called Stewart a “phony”.

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“Suck it up, crybaby! MOAR DED PEEPLE!!!1”

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Sounds Like Poor Joshie Needs a Nappie-Wappie

by matttbastard

Via The Galloping Beaver: forget those lazy wusses in Iraq; it’s hard goddamn work serving your country Romney-style.

Josh Romney is tired.

For most of the last four months, he has lived in a Winnebago — dubbed the Mitt Mobile — stopping at least once in every one of Iowa’s 99 counties, campaigning on behalf of his father, former Massachusetts Governor Mitt Romney.

Now he can rest — for a while. Romney pere won the crucial Iowa Straw Poll this weekend, and the Mitt Mobile is temporarily idle, parked next to a hotel in Ames. Josh can take a day off, maybe two. But soon, he will be back in the super-sized camper, and off to Nevada, or maybe Florida, or perhaps, New Hampshire. And so it will go for at least the next six months, and maybe the next 15 months.

[…]

“I tried to convince them not to do it,” Mitt Romney told me during a campaign stop in Hampton, Iowa. “I said, ‘you’ve got your lives, you’ve got your families.’ They said, ‘Dad, you’re running for president of the United States. We want to help you. We want to be part of it.’ It’s a very moving thing, very humbling.”

Answering the call of duty, one county fair at a time.

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“ZOMG! Can’t believe we made it thru Iowa without hittin’ a single IED!!!1”

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