When the Deeply Personal Becomes Deeply Political.

Guest post by L. Portes*

Dr Tiller’s assassination has riled up a semi-sleeping nest of vipers in the past few days. Even though it isn’t always reported in the media, the old same rhetoric has been going on, mostly under the radar, among the Armies of “God” and the Operation Rescues of the anti-choice movement.

Old arguments and old red herrings.

In the 1990s there were a string of terrorist attacks within the US and Canada aimed at abortion clinics and physicians who provide patients with abortion services after the (mostly) acceptable 12 weeks. Doctors were shot and killed, clinics bombed, staff harassed and terrorized. Today, career protesters still stand outside clinics, screaming and shouting at women who enter; there have even been cases where members of the police have conspired and handed over personal information to the extremists from those ID’d through their license plates.

There are some who consider abortion at any stage of the game unacceptable. In fact, some would ban contraception, as it may simply interfere with the plans of their god. But, on the whole, society has “decided” that early on terminating a pregnancy is less abhorrent to them.

It has been estimated that approximately 33% of all pregnancies spontaneously miscarry within the first trimester. That is just nature’s way of not completing a faulty conception or splitting of cells. But that magic number 12 when the first trimester ends is where what is deeply personal suddenly becomes deeply political; after 12 weeks of pregnancy it has been proposed that a woman must go forward for the next 28 weeks, no matter what–full steam ahead.

The most vocal abortion opponents would like you to believe that after 12 weeks the decision to terminate a pregancy is a matter of convenience, that abortions are being performed willy nilly up to the 40th week, that it’s simply a business venture for doctors like George Tiller. “Abortionists” perform “executions” for the money. They have said that Dr. Tiller would abort a fetus just hours before it would be born! This is not true, of course, but it makes for shocking material (and massive ratings) for those with no scruples (Bill O’Reilly comes to mind.)

But for what real reasons would a woman and her family require the services provided by a specialized clinic such as Dr. Tiller’s, or, here in Canada, the one run by Dr. Garson Romalis?

A primary one would be fetal anomalies.

You may know someone that this has happened to–a friend of a friend, a family member perhaps: A woman discovers she is expecting and, partway through the pregnancy, a test shows something that makes it apparent that the fetus will not survive. Or that if there is a live birth it will be a painful, short-lived thing. Or when the fetus is born it will be a life of nothingness.

Sometimes, carrying an anencephalic fetus to term can be detrimental to the woman. It may compromise future fertility, or the woman’s life due to infection. Hard to truly comprehend unless it has happened to you.

I can comprehend.

My pregnancy was a wanted one, very much so. The first weeks were uneventful, except for the happiness and the worry which intermingled. I’d had two miscarriages in my life already; never really accepted being pregnant again as a reality until the 12th week.

Hurdle one vaulted.

Entering into the second trimester, we were finally feeling confident and making plans for the new arrival. We didn’t have much at the time, but we were gathering supplies for the coming weeks: a second hand stroller, blankets. I could feel the baby moving already, at first a small quickening; that grew into more kicks and swimming sensations. I had been seeing my doctor regularly from about 12 weeks, as I had been out of the country when I discovered the pregnancy. He ordered an ultrasound, which was performed at about the 18 week mark.

Our baby had a heartbeat, which I already knew. But something alarming turned up as well. More detailed scans were ordered and the grim details were told to us by a special team who looked at them.

Broken bones, some healed already. Bowed legs and arms, etc. Ostegenesis Imperfecta Type II, they called it: Brittle Bone.

Our baby wasn’t going to live. And whatever time he spent in the womb, or out, was just going to be painful. Pain that you or I cannot imagine.

A boy.

We were given two options: Carry on with the pregnancy, knowing what was to come, ignore his pain, and ours.

Or terminate the pregnancy.

Not much else to be said, really; we made the most kind decision, one that no parent-to-be should ever have to make.

A harrowing, sad, anguished couple of weeks followed. I mostly just remember being in the recovery room, missing him so much. Alone suddenly after weeks of activity.

Alone with our broken dreams.

I had aborted at 21 weeks. My body thought it had delivered a baby who needed sustenance, so it began to lactate. Just another painful reminder of what was lost.

We talked to the doctors to ask what the odds were of this happening again and were told that it was less than 6%, as it was not recorded on either side of our families. So a few months later we tried again. We were on pins and needles until the 18 week mark, as this condition can only be seen on an ultrasound and can only be confirmed or discounted after about 17 weeks.

When we finally held our little baby girl in our arms, whole and healthy and screaming like thunder, we did not forget about our son; the love is still there. We have moved on as much as we can, knowing we did the right thing. The pain is still very real, less sharp, sometimes bittersweet.

But I also know that because of medical professionals like Dr. Tiller and Dr. Romalis (who in the past has also faced near-deadly harassment) there would not be the peace that we now feel. Indeed, if our son had died in utero (which also happens in cases like ours) there is a good chance that we wouldn’t know the joys of our two youngest children. Most distressing of all, so much suffering would have been inflicted for no real reason on someone we didn’t really know, yet loved and wanted with all our being.

And that is what the anti-choicers do not want you to know about: situations faced by families like ours.

Our stories are not often told; to do so makes many listeners uncomfortable. Some will not even look me in the eye when I tell them in person. A lot of women like me simply don’t say anything, as there is the very real possibility that we might be labeled, with much revulsion, as monsters.

We see reports of extremists screaming at women outside clinics, hear of those same extremists targeting medical professionals. These are deeply personal, deeply painful stories that have been made deeply political by those who really do not give a damn about babies, families, or people in general.  But it is time to start speaking up.

We are not monsters. We are parents who love our children, and love the children we lost. And Dr Tiller was nothing short of a hero.

Now, after so many years of personal sacrifice and personal pain he is now a fallen hero. We cannot let him have died in vain. We cannot let parents who face these sorts of tragedies such as fetal anomalies or a life-threatening pregnancy go it alone.

These anti-choice extremists must finally be dealt with, publicly denounced and called what they are.

Pro life? No. They are nothing but low life terrorists who, through fear and intimidation, want to force everyone to bend to their will.

And, because of them, families that face the same wretched news we did need help now more than ever.

*name changed for privacy and safety reasons

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17 thoughts on “When the Deeply Personal Becomes Deeply Political.

  1. Thank you for sharing your personal story. I am sorry for your loss. There are many, many stories that have yet to be told. I am ready to tell mine, too.


  2. Blob Blogging Wingnut would counter that the author of this moving, honest, powerful blogpost did not have the right to terminate her pregnancy and that Catholic Church doctrine judges and condemns – as SHE does – this decision.

    No matter that this heart-wrenching decision protected her capacity to become pregnant again, to carry a healthy pregnancy to term and to give birth.


  3. Well, wingnut, it is the law that she can terminate that pregnancy. Stay out of the womb, blogger blob.


  4. Blob Blogging Wingnut can follow that theology, that would be her choice to do so.

    If she is that cruel for her god, there is nothing anyone else can do for her. She is beyond redemption.


  5. Thanks to mattt for hosting this post. And to the courageous and heartbroken woman who wrote it, I hope that one day, you can share your pain openly without fear as well as glorying in the lives of your living children with all of us. We all need the support of our communities when going through grief. I admire your ability to continue living under the almost impossible circumstances created by right hatenuts and I fear for those not quite as able as you.


  6. thank you for sharing your story. your bravery is admirable. we can’t allow these terrorists to control our bodies, our safety, and our choices. you did what was best, but they care nothing for that. indeed, they do want control because they are bitter and filled with hate. if they were truly pro-life then they would not be exalting the death of Dr. Tiller; they would support the life already here; they would help families with children they can barely support, or the endless numbers of children in foster programs.


  7. I too have been there and I understand. I was 27 weeks when my son was born 4 years ago and I still miss him more than I can say, but I also know I wouldn’t have my youngest son either, so it’s bittersweet. I remember how angry I was when my milk came in- how angry I was at my body for the reminder. I am so sorry that you have also gone through this, but I am so grateful that there are women out there willing to share their stories.


  8. This moves me to tears.

    Thank you for sharing this painful story. It is my sincere hope that it may, just may, make someone on the pro-life side take another look, a more open and insightful look, at just what they are so eager to condemn.


  9. Wow! Your story is so similar to mine it is scary.

    12 years ago today we terminated our pregnancy. The pain is every bit as intense for me as it was then. Made even more so by the senseless murder of a man whose purpose was to help women like me.

    It was baby number 4 for me and desperately wanted. At 21 weeks we went to the OB/GYN and he asked if we would like to see the baby – he had an ultrasound machine in his exam room. Everything started off just fine. Then he got quiet and very professional. We went back into his office only to be told that our baby has anencephaly. No chance of survival and our options were to continue on with the pregnancy or terminate. He sent us to the hospital for the big ultrasound just to be sure. Sadly, he was not mistaken. We decided to terminate as I knew that my sanity could not remain intact if I carried that pregnancy any further. I went from ecstatic pregnant woman to devastated unpregnant woman in the course of 18 hours. Our baby was a girl. After 3 boys my one girl had no brain from the eyebrows up.

    The next thing I am told, because of how far along my pregnancy was, the termination was classified as a still birth and we were required to name the baby.

    Now what? Do we use the one name we could both agree on, or do we pick something else? We agreed that we picked that name for this baby and there were no conditions attached to that decision.

    Then I started lactating. Thank goodness for my sister. I called her in tears and she called and got all the information I needed for me.

    We did have another girl and she is perfect and truly a blessing.



  10. I guess the religious would stipulate that you give birth and then the resulting pain and suffering that the child would go through (assuming it’s a live birth) would just be God’s Will.

    Thank you for sharing your story.


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