Dreamboat charmer Tad Safran has decided to let us in on the REAL difference between American and British women in The Times.
An informal poll of my US female friends revealed that they spend roughly $700 (£350) a month on what they consider standard obligatory beauty maintenance. That covers haircut, highlights, manicure, pedicure, waxing, tanning, make-up, facials, teeth whitening etc. They will spend a further $1,000 (£500) a month on physical conditioning such as military fitness, spinning sessions, vikram yoga, Pilates, deep-tissue sports massage, personal training etc. On top of that, add the occasional spa day, a week-long “bikini boot camp” in Mexico at the start of every summer and seasonal splurges on personal shoppers and clothing. I’m not sure any of my British female friends spends £700 during an entire year on her appearance. American women see these costs as a simple and sensible investment in their future.
I’m guessing that if you have the time to spend $1700 per month on all of those things, you are very likely independently wealthy and not encumbered with anything remotely resembling full-time employment. If I were a millionaire and didn’t have to spend 50 hours per week creating graphics or haggling with print shops, I might very well blow a few hundred a month on massages and yoga as well. Not sure about the “bikini boot camp”, which sounds rather scary and uncomfortable. I wonder how much Tad Safran spends on his appearance. He doesn’t mention it in the article, which is a pity.
More after the jump.
I’m not saying that I’m the greatest prize out there, but at least I’d put on a clean shirt, shaved and brushed my teeth. Sophie tumbled into the house looking like a refugee from Hurricane Katrina. She smelt like the R&D lab at Philip Morris. Her outfit was about as sexy as a half-pound of ground meat. And, surely, the only time she’d seen the inside of a gym was to ask directions to the nearest pub. I was hurt that my friends thought I’d be remotely interested in Sophie. Even more insulting was when my friend’s wife pointedly said: “Tad, I hear you just sold a screenplay to the producers of My Big Fat Greek Wedding.” I could not believe it. She was selling ME to HER!? I sat there watching Sophie tuck into a second huge plate of shepherd’s pie and realised why no self-respecting American girl consumes carbohydrates after 2pm.
Obviously, a woman who is not anorexic could not possibly have any qualities that would make her a desirable mate. How dare his friend’s wife assume that Sophie would not leap at the chance of being with such a sensitive, egalitarian stud like Tad Safran. Oh, wait ..
There is one aspect of their appearance about which British women do obsess: their shoes. Great, I’m glad you have beautiful shoes that pain you in all types of exquisite ways (that men would never put up with). I’m sure other women will be incredibly impressed by your new Jimmy Choos or Blahniks. But, ladies, the only time a man will notice your shoes is if your feet are wedged on top of his shoulders bouncing either side of his head.
American women also take themselves too seriously and are annoyingly confronta-tional. The good news for men, by the way, is they are convinced that the best way to prove they are equal to a man is by sleeping with him. Um . . . Go ahead, that’ll teach me. And they won’t even ruin your night’s sleep by staying over as their personal trainer is coming to their place at 6.30 the next morning.
Double sigh, and also vomit.
American women are generally more grasping than British women socially and financially so I suppose that it makes sense that they are more striving aesthetically, too. Their obsession with their looks, however, can be unattractive and can even turn unpleasant. My American friends wouldn’t reveal, for example, their annual expenditure on botox, liposuction, Restylane, tummy tucks, boob jobs, collagen fillers, chemical peels, or any other procedures that involve scalpels, anaesthetics, lasers and needles.
Soooo … the good thing, is that they are obsessed with their appearance. But, the bad thing, is that they are obsessed with their appearance. Taddy, darling, I’m not sure you can have it both ways.
British women are, without a doubt, the best to have a pint and a laugh with. They are the most self-reliant, uncomplicated and unflap-pable. That they are neither obsessed with their looks, nor insecurely competitive, are wonderful qualities. And their self-depreca-tion is incredibly endearing. But when it comes to making the all-important first impression, do you really want it to be, “I’ll bet she was really hot ten years ago”?
Well, the first impression I get of Tad Safran is “misogynistic asshole douchebag with entitlement issues”, and I am not sure that that is much better.