File Under: ‘Parody Is Superfluous’

by matttbastard

x-posted @ Comments From Left Field

Looks like Buddy Christ has walked off the big screen and onto the shelves of North America’s largest retailer. In These Times reports that Wal-Mart is selling a 12-inch talking Jesus doll – a 12-inch talking Jesus doll that “looks remarkably like the Brawny Paper Towel Man, has kung-fu grip and utters soothing but authoritarian Bible quotes, like, “I tell you the truth, no one can see the kingdom of God unless he is born again” (John 3:3)””.

Again, this is why I stopped reading The Onion years ago: the absurdity of contemporary existence is already quite apparent without requiring any exaggeration.

Flashback – Related: Max Blumenthal on the insidious military outreach efforts of Stephen Baldwin (yes, that Stephen Baldwin — apparently the lamest youngest Baldwin brother has been ensnared by Christ’s brawny kung fu grip) and Operation Straight Up (OSU):

As an official arm of the Defense Department’s America Supports You program, OSU plans to mail copies of the controversial apocalyptic video game, Left Behind: Eternal Forces to soldiers serving in Iraq. OSU is also scheduled to embark on a “Military Crusade in Iraq” in the near future.

“We feel the forces of heaven have encouraged us to perform multiple crusades that will sweep through this war torn region,” OSU declares on its website about its planned trip to Iraq. “We’ll hold the only religious crusade of its size in the dangerous land of Iraq.”

Jesus wept.

Update: For Christ’s sake – you really can’t make this shit up.

Also, please do take the time to read in its entirety the Radar/Stephen Baldwin interview linked above – even the mighty Jon Swift couldn’t pen something this (unintentionally) hilarious, nor quotable.

Random snippet:

What’s your take on Tom Cruise, who’s also gotten some flak for his faith.
Let me just start a little trouble here. On the Hollywood list of people I pray for often, Tom Cruise is probably No. 1. All I have to say to Tom is, God bless ya, I hope you’re having fun. But I’d love through Radar magazine to throw a gauntlet down to Mr. Cruise. I’d love to break bread with him and pray with him, and I’d love for the Holy Spirit of God to reveal the truth to him. That would be an awesome thing. I remember Tom back in the day. I did Born on the Fourth of July with him. And he’s a very different guy now.

In what way?
That regular Joe quality seems to have been lost. When you buy enough of your own hype, then it’s not who you are anymore. It becomes about how you’re perceived. I’d rather be young little sweet little Jesus Freak Stevie B any day of the week. Seriously though, can you put us together? Can we get a little sushi together? I’d like to give him a spicy Jesus roll.

Spicy…Jesus…roll? Buh?! You know, I never thought that anyone could make a bat-shit crazy Hubbard-humper like Jumpy McCoucherson seem positively rational by comparison.

Update 2: “Why Should God Bless America?” Definitive proof that ‘IOKIYAR’ isn’t just a clever acronym.

Goddammit, after drowning in an unholy deluge of poisonous, all-American Christianism, I need an antidote (if not a towel). And, all apologies to Howie Klein, the late, great Woody Guthrie just don’t cut it. A pair of selections from the gloriously Godless Greg Graffin and Co. seem more appropriate atm:

“He’s the farmer barren fields, (In God)
The force the army wields, (We trust)
The expression in the faces of the starving millions, (Because he’s one of us)
The power of the man. (Break down)
He’s the fuel that drives the Klan, (Cave in)
He’s the motive and the conscience of the murderer (He can redeem your sins)
He’s the preacher on TV, (Strong heart)
The false sincerity, (Clear mind)
The form letter that’s written by the big computer, (And indefinitely kind)
He’s the nuclear bombs, (You lose)
And the kids with no moms (We win)
And I’m fearful that he’s inside me (He is our champion)”

There’s no justice
Just a cause and a cure
And a bounty of suffering
It seems we all endure
And what I’m frightened of
Is that they call it “God’s love”

Recommend this post at Progressive Bloggers

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