by Isabel LaCoeur
“You have to look at why sex was created,” Eric Love, the director of the East Texas Abstinence Program, which runs Virginity Rules, said one day, the sounds of Christian contemporary music humming faintly in his Longview office. “Sex was designed to bond two people together.”
To make the point, Mr. Love grabbed a tape dispenser and snapped off two fresh pieces. He slapped them to his filing cabinet and the floor; they trapped dirt, lint, a small metal bolt. “Now when it comes time for them to get married, the marriage pulls apart so easily,” he said, trying to unite the grimy strips. “Why? Because they gave the stickiness away.”
Sex is stickiness! Abstinence-only education would be riotously hilarious if it were not so harmful.
But, good news:
New laws in Colorado, Iowa and Washington state that sex education must be based on “research” or “science” — which is often interpreted as code for programs that include discussions of safer sex.
Abstinence-only education DOES NOT WORK. PERIOD. It is pretty much child abuse. Why not arm young people with the ability to make informed decisions about protection? Increasing the use of contraceptives = decreasing the number of abortions, STIs, and unwanted children. It’s very simple!
On the other hand, Iron Hymen offers a fresh take on abstinence-only education for girls.
I, [MY NAME], hereby pledge:
1. To never let grubby boys touch me – unless it’s just fun innocent stuff like tripping me and pulling my hair. (But only the hair on my head!)
2. To never wear trampy stuff like shorts or t-shirts or open-toed shoes, which basically tell horny perverts that I’m a major tramp who’s just asking for it.
3. To never do rough stuff like ride horsies or bikes with hard seats, which could break my vagina’s freshness seal and make me totally unlovable.
4. To never let tampons violate the sanctity of my hoo-hoo, because tampons are really nothing more than thirsty little albino penises.
5. To never have premarital sex, because Jesus doesn’t want anyone messing around inside my girly hole until after His church makes some money off a wedding.
I understand that abstaining from sex protects me from:
Forcing my wonderful parents to use “tough love” and kick me out of the house for embarrassing them by being such a little whore.
Having adoption-hungry homosexuals circle my pregnant belly like vultures, hell-bent on corrupting my unwanted bastard child with their sicko “love.”
The testimonials offer solid proof:
Brianna K.: “Iron Hymen taught me how to use super-effective strategies for just abstaining from natural stuff. And it works so good, that now when I get all old, I’m going to abstain from wrinkles and dying, too!”
Crystal F.: “I used to suffer terribly from dirty dreams about boys. Thankfully, now my Iron Hymen Libido-Be-Gone™ thong panties keep my dreams clean – and my yucky cooter bone-dry!”
Muffy P.: “OHMIGOD, like, Iron Hymen taught me to respect myself way too much to ever let some hairy creep hock man-lugies on my Godly cervix like it’s some gross subway platform!”
Iron Hymen for life!